Monday, March 26, 2012

the past [3]9 months: as days go by

approaching the big day
as my due date approaches [just over a week from today!], there has been enough time for me to reflect on all of the worries and emotions that have swirled around over the past 9 months -- or really, 3-ish years [it's been a LONG journey, folks!]. certain thoughts have stuck around ["is this really, REALLY going to happen?!"], but there has certainly been an evolution of my top concerns and emotions as the weeks have progressed. i don't have a dedicated belly pic timeline [though you can see the progression in my various bi-weekly update posts], but i thought perhaps i'd create a mental timeline of sorts.

TTC: as many of you know, this was such a time of uncertainty for me. it was about losing certain aspects of control over my life -- but also growing. i think i learned an early lesson: that children are something that you will make sacrifices and changes for, but that it is SO 100% worth it in the end. and that you can't control or plan or predict anything when it comes to babies!

pre-ultrasound: phase 2 of my journey was much shorter but characterized by one word: PARANOIA. after waiting SO long for everything to finally fall into place, i think 99% of my brain was occupied by various worst-case-scenario fears. i googled everything from 'sharp cramp on right side of uterus' to 'dry mouth,' wanting any and every possible confirmation that things were progressing normally and that i was really and truly pregnant.


luckily, it worked out! i wish i could go back and reassure myself during that time. after all, stress and worries and googling everything aren't going to make any difference. but even now i don't blame me one bit -- it's a scary period, statistically!

weeks 7-17: even as i sit here feeling gigantic, i can say with certainty that the first trimester was definitely my least-favorite part of pregnancy -- both physically and mentally. so much fatigue, coupled with lingering worries. i loved hearing the heartbeat during my doctor visits, but I didn't truly feel connected to the being growing inside me at that time.

weeks 17-27: life started to improve dramatically, for several reasons:

-- i started to feel more confident that things were going to be okay

-- we found out the sex and i promptly bought our daughter-to-be her first fashion statement:

so cuuuute and little

-- i started to detect her movements! this didn't happen until week 19 or 20, but it made me feel so much closer to her -- like we were interacting in some way.

i would call these weeks the golden age of pregnancy! i felt physically terrific [energized, motivated, and all that] and the first-tri paranoia was long gone. however, i hadn't started to get too into practical details. the end seemed a long way off. but time really does move quickly. . .

third tri: i think this is when i finally started to understand that this was all REAL and happening -- and like clockwork, baby brain began to kick in. the focus i had at work rapidly dissolved, and all i wanted was to get ready for what i now feel confident is coming: a life-changing event, and the arrival of someone i have been waiting to meet for over 3 years now. i started to get practical:

lists upon lists upon lists!


i wrote about being completely distracted [still am -- and i blame the hormones], nesting [definitely not a pregnancy myth -- again, HORMONES], and all of the new worries that have started to swirl around -- anxieties about breastfeeding and baby sleep patterns and even maternal guilt -- yes, even before the birth of our child.

nearing the end and now, just days away from what i fervently hope will be our baby's triumphant entrance into the world, i've started to become more singularly focused: just HOW AM I GOING TO GET HER OUT!?

ah well, like everything above, i am hopeful that i will be able to look back on these anxieties some day and just smile, knowing that it all worked out. in the meantime, i'm open to any advice from those who have been in the trenches. [it's not AS BAD as i can possibly be imagining. . .right!?]

Find more posts from bloggers sharing their experiences of motherhood on the Huggies page on BlogHer.com.