Monday, February 26, 2018

mixed bag weekend

Note - contains nursing-related woes - sharing some feelings / struggles.  if this is triggering for you please just ignore this post!

There were highs:


Wild Kratts live + a meet & greet after the show!
It was awesome and thrilling and the kids loved it.


. . . And there were lows.  There was a particularly harrowing swim class episode which left me mildly traumatized and not excited to take all 3 to the pool alone for a while.  But more painful and emotional was that for both Saturday and Sunday, G seemed completely unsatisfied in the evenings.  She screamed the entire time we were out to dinner after Wild Kratts.  She screamed again yesterday evening, seemingly insatiable.  Josh had made me promise we'd offer a bit of milk via a bottle if it happened again (after Saturday night's misery) so we did, and she sucked it down, and I cried.  A lot.

I KNOW breastfeeding isn't everything.  I KNOW I am 100% lucky to have 3 healthy children, 3 healthy pregnancies, and much more.  But #)*&$ it, I really wanted nursing to work for this last go-round.  I can accept that pumping will be challenging -- and it's GAME ON in one week -- but it's harder for me to deal with the idea that I might not be able to satisfy G even when that (huge) variable hasn't been introduced.

I also don't get it.  My medical/scientific brain is just . . . confused.  She's a chunk (85% weight at last check, and doesn't appear to be any lighter now!) and I've been able to pump 4-5 oz every day right after her early AM feeding -- this morning it was 6!  I guzzle water.  I eat 3487374 calories/day (not that I actually know, but it seems like a lot).  I feed on demand - often every 1-1.5 hours during the day.  I use compressions when she eats (well, I have to - I have slow flow breasts and it's the only way they work most of the time).  I eat oatmeal every morning.  I have purposely NOT ramped up exercise much because I fear that might decrease supply.  I have remained ~3-4 lb over my pre-preg weight (you know, due to the 3487374 calories daily) and have not tried to lose any.

SO WHYYYYYY!???


Kellymom seems to think my supply is just fine.  But it's hard to argue with a hungry-acting baby and breasts that feel empty, and then appearance of total relief after a couple of oz of milk from the freezer.

A good friend of mine thinks I am driving myself crazy and should just supplement from my stash (and then formula, when it runs out) when needed.  I do find myself spending way too much time repeatedly feeding and stressing over feeding right now, which is taking away from my ability to be a good parent to A&C, not to mention a present partner for Josh.  That said I'm still left with anger and confusion about my body's seeming inability to do what it is supposed to.

I'm open to advice / commiseration.  I put Guinness on the grocery list, ordered some supplements to try (though I didn't have much luck with this in past years).  I've never been a great pumper but also never had supply issues this early, or supply issues that are this confusing (particularly the amount I can pump each AM contrasted with insufficiency in the PM).  I'm continuing to just feed her whenever she acts like she wants it.  But if she's acting absolutely desperate again tonight, I'm going to give her some of what I pumped this AM.  Not sure what else to do . . .

(Please don't comment that you pump 12 oz in 3 minutes and that oversupply is just a drag.  Please.)