Wednesday, August 06, 2014

let it gooooo

I think I'm the last person on earth to actually listen to the entire "Let it Go" anthem from Frozen.  I was really pleased to find it a) very catchy and evocative of old-school Tori Amos (something about the piano chords?) melded with season 4 Glee; b) kind of empowering (that Perfect Girl is gone!) and c) addictive to Annabel.

I always thought we'd shy away from Disney prints and characters.  HA.  There are some rather sexist / stereotypical things that are not great about some of the films, but . . . there's charm, too.  And I grew up with Ariel/Belle/Jasmine and seemed to do okay, right?

. . . (maybe don't answer that . . .  )

SO.  I titled this post with the song that is now in your head because -- well, I'm trying to let it go.  You know, this whole ordeal:

I'm closer.  I'm getting there.  But I haven't yet arrived.  I dropped down to one pump/day yesterday and today at work but found myself panicking this evening.  C IS MY LAST BABY AND THIS IS MY ONLY CHANCE TO PROVIDE FOR HIM AND WHAT IF OUR BREASTFEEDING RELATIONSHIP ENDS ABRUPTLY THEN I'LL JUST BE SO SAD -- 

You get the picture.  I think it's hard because even partial weaning is a decision that is hard if not impossible to reverse, and because -- yeah -- hormones.

Anyway.  I just pumped now and am second guessing myself a little bit.  I think I may go back to more pumps (perhaps 2 pumps at work would be a happy medium?) until we at least hit that elusive 6 month mark (it's less than 2 weeks away at this point).  I don't know why this is so hard.  

I still feel like I'm in some sort of life slump mode.  Aside from hormonal shifts, I continue to think it has everything to do with sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, and sleep.

He is still waking up twice a night, at 11-12 am and 3-4 am.  I think he is truly hungry at those times.  Perhaps when we finally make the transition to formula and he gets an all-you-can-eat buffet all day he will sleep better.

I can't tell say enough how relieved I will be when he is too old for me to care about this stuff.  Honestly, as annoying as it probably is to read all this it is 10,000x more annoying to live it.  Work is hard, time is scarce, and I spend too many free moments fixated on this issue that I know is really trivial.

In other news:
Annabel is really really into watercolors.  And she drew this face and said it was Annabel!

. . . and then this happened: