Tuesday, January 29, 2013

the g word [yes again]

72 degrees.
a light breeze.  in january! 

this run should have been pure bliss:

disclaimer: probably more like 8:30/mi because of mapmyrun's chronic inaccuracy

and it was, for the most part.  except that sneaky guilt that kept snaking through my thoughts.  annabel did have a long day at day care today -- and because i wanted [needed?] an endorphin rush and some time to myself, it ended up being even longer.  

i had to attend a training session for our hospital's new computer system [aside for the medical peeps: we're switching to epic. it's going to be . . .epic].  it started at 8, so i departed the day care at around 7:45 AM.  we did enjoy some customary morning playtime, since she was up at 6, but it wasn't a ton.  i had planned to get up early [5] and run, but ended up studying last night, and then i was having trouble falling asleep for some reason, and before i knew it it was 10:45 and there was no WAY i was setting the alarm for earlier than 6.

while getting ready this morning, it occurred to me that since the training was scheduled to end at 5 and day care closes at 6, i could probably fit a run in at the end of the day!  and so i packed shoes/clothes/etc.  what i didn't anticipate is that i felt guilty about that run ALL day.  before i did it.  while i was doing it.  and even now -- afterwards.  

randomly enough, just today my sister sent me this, written by a knitting blogger [she owns a yarn store and is a little obsessed :) ] but having nothing to do with her craft.  a great post, because it addresses the guilt that inevitably comes with motherhood as well as guilt stemming from having while others have-not, despite working just as hard [or harder!].  this is also timely for reasons i'll get into in another post, but let's just say i feel lucky.  and blessed.  and really #(*@# guilty at times.

so, back to that run.  thoughts that were running through my head:

after solo-parenting for 5 days*, i deserve this me-time.  but i feel bad that i want it.

✭ is this really any 'worse' [or different] than picking up annabel right at 5 and taking her out in the stroller?  she does enjoy the runs but it's not exactly interactive time. 

✭ do ANY fathers have these kinds of thoughts!? 

✭ what if a always slept until 7 and i ran at 6?  would i feel bad about that? [obviously not.  yet some babies do sleep in more than she does.  and i am NOT complaining that 6 is early - i think it's great.  pretty much ideal for our schedules, really.]

i wish i could say this ended really happily and that she was sooooo thrilled to see me when i arrived to get her at 5:40, but she was actually beside herself with fatigue having only napped a total of 25 minutes the entire day.  

on the up-side, i'm pretty sure that getting there 34 minutes earlier wouldn't have fixed her mood.  and at least it helped mine!  maybe i just need to stop . . . thinking . . . so . . . much.

* well, 3 of those days with day care . . . but still.