Friday, November 05, 2004

order or disorder?

last night i went with josh and 2 friends to see appetite for destruction, the guns n roses cover band. it was rather humorous and at times sounded pretty authentic ("welcome to the jungle" was a highlight), but by midnight the four of us were ready to pass out. kind of sad, actually. i seem to be aging rapidly these days, though physically i’m a bit behind, i suppose, because i still get carded everywhere i go.

appearance of an 18-year old, but 63 inside. fabulous.

i am still neck-deep in biochemistry, but will emerge on saturday to start again with anatomy and embryology, my two least favorite subjects in the world. i purposely front-loaded my schedule with the things i like least, but now i’m starting to wonder if it was a mistake.

usmle subjects, ranked in order of how much i like them (painful to almost enjoyable):

1. anatomy
2. embryology
3. immunology (i hate memorizing things like cytokines)
4. biochemistry
5. behavioral sciences
6. physiology
7. microbiology
8. pathology.
9. pharmacology. what can i say, i like drugs.

that’s a lot of subjects. and i probably left some of them out.

i’ve developed this disgustingly regimented style of studying, because i’m home with no one around to motivate me, and i’m afraid that i’ll zone out one day and wake up 2 months later only to realize that i’ve completed all of grand theft auto and written a trashy novel but that it’s test day and i can’t remember what causes whipple’s disease (some sort of weird bacteria?) or on which side the body the thoracic duct is located (i want to say left, but i'm not sure. oh god, i hate anatomy).

here is my current method: i get up, eat something, and fool around for a short period, but with one eye on the clock. because at exactly 8:00 (9:00 on fridays, saturdays, and sundays) i have to start. my breaks are all at specified times (ie, i’ll say to myself, ‘ok, just work until 10!’) and are specified lengths (10 minutes, 15 if i’m feeling generous, 1 hour lunch break). so far it has been working, but does this mean i am turning into some sort of maniacal human-robot, running a computer program that has become my life?

i hope not.

i think this craziness is all a reaction to the fact that my days were completely out of my control over the last year, and now they’re mine, all mine, once again. or i may be developing OCD. only time will tell.