Monday, April 02, 2018

spring break

This was a really nice weekend.  We had a TON of family time.  

I also enjoyed my own break - from the pump.  My GOD it is so much easier for me to just . . . feed G the normal way*.  I am still struggling mightily with this issue while at work, but am trying -- trying -- not to let it completely overpower the joy that comes with having a baby at this extremely cute stage:



It's tough, though.  On Thursday night I am somewhat ashamed to admit I ended up bailing on a concert that probably would have been amazing (Ben Folds performing with the Nu Deco symphony downtown) because I pumped 12.5 oz, she drank 14 oz, and I was devastated.  Crying at the end of my last pump session at work.  Feeling a combination of anger (at our culture for "forcing" me to go back to work when G is so young) and guilt/shame for not being able to do what others find much easier.  I was also exhausted.  I chose to stay home, pump 2 oz at 9 pm, and go to bed rather than having what would probably have been a really special night with Josh.

I can't tell whether sacrifices like this are right "for this season" or just completely insane.  But I am looking forward to the "season" ending.  I am promising to myself right here and now that at 6 months I am going to 100% chill about the whole breast milk / pumping thing.  10 weeks.  70 days.  I can do this . . . I think.

Friday through Sunday were a million times better because this burden/stress was mostly absent (though I still wonder about whether I'm 'enough' for her when she wakes up 3x in one night . . .).  We had a family jam session, a really fun and festive Passover seder, and lots of pool time for A&C.  


family shot!  (Josh's parents, my BIL/SIL and spouses, and all the cousins)


Annabel wants a dog.
We will consider her request in approximately 5 years.


Annabel reading to Cameron.  This makes my heart melt.


At least her double chin (and arms, and thighs . . .) are reassuring re: her nutritional status

Anyway.  It's Monday.  A new work week, and the beginning of a new month.  My one and only goal this week is to do my best and not hate myself for the # of ounces I can produce.   I will pump 5x/day and will get what I get and not get upset, in the wise words of my children.   I also really want to try to keep up with charts, but will not beat myself up if I end up with a pile to do on my day off/weekend (I did 15 at home over the past few days).  It's a season.  And before I know it, she'll be crawling around and it will be summertime. 

* Mind you, she still eats 11-12x/24 hours -- I counted on Saturday -- but at least she's efficient and it doesn't hurt like the pump does.