Friday, February 23, 2018

how I really feel

Fine.  I'm anxious about going back to work.

It has taken me a bit of time to admit it to myself, but -- there it is.  It's not the work itself I am concerned about; it's just plunging in after so much time off, and of course the blasted pump.  Which I've already written about, weeks before actually needing to pump regularly.  (Because, anxious.  What can I say?)

On my list of anxiety-fueled concerns:

(since it seems healthy to just GET THEM ALL OUT THERE!):

1) Upon re-entry, I will be immediately overwhelmed by patient care issues (mostly due to being away for 12 weeks!) and my brain, soft from less sleep and raging hormones, will not be able to keep up

2) GME responsibilities will come to a head at the same time, and I will not have enough time to get my work done over the course of my (purposefully shortened) 4 day work week.  I will be frantic and in catchup mode forever, falling farther behind by the day

3) All of this will lead to a lot of stress, and my milk production will be negatively impacted, which will only ADD to the stress

4) G will prefer the bottle to me, and we will not have the nursing relationship that I want to enjoy

5) I will be arriving home from work every day grumpy and stressed and will not be the parent I want to be for my kids.  This will negatively impact their behavior, making things worse.  I will not have time to give them the individual attention that they need

6) I will no longer have time to read, write, exercise, or do anything fun EVER AGAIN

7) Climate change

8) This utter @*&@#

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OKAY.  Now that we have all of my biggest worries stated outright, I can sort of maybe possibly perhaps see how I am catastrophizing just a bit (except for #7-8, but we won't get into those today).  On the 100% flip side of #1-2 above, I am actually looking forward to seeing patients/coworkers and using my medical brain.  I'm very excited about the GME portion of my job (which is going to officially expand to 25% in July!) and I am hopeful that my 4 day work week will make pumping and having time for the kids (and other pursuits) just a bit more manageable.

As for #3-4, the worst case scenario is formula/a shortened nursing phase, which would in the end NOT be a true catastrophe, and I'd get over it.  And #5-6 is just not going to be true, because no matter what there are still 168 hours in the week, and while I may have LESS time, it's not going to be zero.  And all of this is temporary -- at least the pumping/baby part.

Temporary, and worth it!!


I MEAN SRSLY


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Aaaaand, with all of that out of there -- happy Friday!  Whew.  I do feel a bit better :)

Other random notes since this post clearly needs more:

1) I have discovered that you can listen to podcasts at 1.5 speed and it has CHANGED MY LIFE.  I thought it would sound like chipmunk voices (huge turnoff) but the apps correct the pitch, and the brain seems to quickly adjust.

2) I went to book club last night for the first time in months!  I left a bottle for G, but ended up feeding her at 7:45 pm and that was it until I got back.   It felt odd to leave her, honestly, but I had a nice time and it was probably good for me.

3) I AM GETTING MY HAIR STRAIGHTENED TODAY!  Yes, I will have to pump (and dump, since I don't want to save the milk after having chemicals slathered all over my head).  It will be worth it.  It has been over a year!

4) I am working on my back-to-work wardrobe.  I'll have to do a post on this next week.  I really want to go back at least looking like I have my head in the game . . .

5) This chicken biryani recipe is fantastic.  I love cardamom.

6) Last chance to get your planner survey in -- I will pick the 3 candidates this weekend!!  There have been 99 responses to date so I really really want one more :)