Wednesday, March 01, 2017

time for a new month

Last month was rough.  Aside from our family Disney trip (which really was a highlight), I just . . . struggled.  I have mentioned on previous posts that I have realized that I am very very susceptible to mood swings that occur with hormonal shifts.  This month things were worse than usual, for any number of reasons.  Some factors may include:

1) C not sleeping.  Seriously, he has been up somewhere between 1 and 5 am almost every night lately.  He will scream, demand “I want to watch a movie!” (WHAT), ask for snacks, and flat-out refuse to go to sleep unless someone is lying next to him (and often this doesn’t even work).  We finally got tough on him this morning and told him we would have to lock his door.  It seemed to work. 


2) Coming down from that crazy high of the magical New Year feeling (fresh start!! MUST MEET 873432 goals!!) I tend to get swept along in every year.  I suspect I may not be the only one to fall down with a dull thud somewhere mid-February.

Yeah.  I have spent the past week just sort of drifting, feeling hopeless about any number of things, numbing my feelings with distractions, and wallowing in self-loathing.  The last time I can recall feeling this unhappy was in my more desperate portion of TTC (approx. 2011), before becoming pregnant with A.  I really regret never reaching out for support at that time, and I have had 6 years to grow up since then.  So I made my first ever therapist appointment.  Why am I admitting this online?  Because a) I don’t believe there should be stigma attached to needing some mental health support and b) I have come to realize how incredibly common this need is.  So, I might as well just be open about it.

In addition to this proactive step, I also deleted Instagram from my phone (not planning for this to be forever, just a month cleanse or so) and set a goal of lowering email checks to twice daily for now.  The constant inputs and expectation of reactivity is really starting to wear on me.  There are certainly interruptions in my life I can’t control, but these electronic ones are distractions that I do have the ability to reign in.  I am hoping to achieve greater peace in my days, and eliminate the constant urges to check/scroll/zone.  

Instead on my breaks I will write, read, walk, talk to someone, draw, journal, basically do anything other than zone out on my phone while hating myself for doing so.

I’m sorry if this seems down.  I am sad but still functional:  parenting, going to work, putting on a reasonably happy façade, and getting essential tasks done.  I honestly think I will come out of things in a little while.  But I am definitely at a dip from my usual mood setpoint, which is luckily fairly high most of the time, and I’d rather address it now than suffer negative consequences.  I genuinely look forward to every day when I am myself.  Hopefully I can get back there soon.