Friday, December 18, 2015

morning thoughts on the end of the year

OH 2015.

You looked good on paper.

that elusive first box . . . ahh well

A lot of nice things happened.  More than 150 morning runs.  Trips to CA (work), NC (family fun), Disney (family fun), Islamorada (just Josh & me fun), Chicago (fun x 2).  Watching A&C grow, which brought so many beautiful, adorable, and deeply moving moments.  We had many great family gatherings.  I'm starting to (sort of) make some friends.  I had a great year at work, learning a lot and making real connections with many patients in addition to taking on a new role with more leadership responsibilities (though this is just getting started!).

AND YET -- I want even more for next year.

Because in the midst of all of those lovely positive things, I spent a fair amount of time (too much, in my opinion) disconnected, distracted, and often beating myself up when things did not go according to plan.

When I was too tired.  When Josh was too tired.  When A&C were tired and not at their best.  When I ate badly.  When things were stressful at work.  When I felt lonely.  When I couldn't be there for A&C (class parties.  Why can't they be planned out 6 months in advance like my patient schedule!?).  When I felt anxious and insecure about the future of the world (climate change/violence/other horrors).

My default coping mechanism was mindless disconnection, usually in the form of social media or other mindless drivel on the internet.  I didn't sleep enough this year, and it was entirely my fault.  I don't feel that I used my (limited) free time well.  I spent too much time in survival mode when I didn't really need to be.

The good news is that I think I'm more aware of these patterns.  My theme for the year reflects this, because I think that a sense of peace is what was missing.  What do I really have to "survive" or "escape from"?  I want to settle into things, really feel and notice and appreciate, and not run away.

I am not suggesting that 2016 is going to be free from the above stressors.  What I do want is to cope with them better.  To allow more room for imperfection, and to break the above habit of mindless disconnection and feelings of disaster/failure that are really not appropriate in 99% of my life circumstances.

Here's to a new day and chance to start early.