Monday, July 08, 2013

1st tri woes: i promise, last round of complaints

[yes last, and i mean that.  so let me just get it all out now, and then we will steer away from the topic of trimesters of any kind until #2.]

let me just preface this with the fact that i am so thankful to be pregnant right now.  no ultrasounds, no 2WWs, no relentless blank stares from negatives tests that seemed to chase me for months from 2009 - 2011.   no strategically timed "relations".  and no guilt about running!

i still do not know if my current bump/bloat will translate into baby.  but i feel confident that i am still pregnant at this moment.  and that, my dear ones, is because:





1) nausea/food aversions.  [definitely #1 by far].   i'm not vomiting [yet], and i suppose that's good news.   but it doesn't mean i don't feel like i might have to for 80% of my waking hours.  the longer i go between eating, the worse things get.  but thinking about food [ie, necessary to plan ahead if i want to eat every 2-3 hours] is basically torture.  at 9 am, i can't imagine what might be palatable at 11.

like last time, i mostly want to eat carbs and cheese.  but they have to be the RIGHT carb and RIGHT cheese at any given moment, and what sounded great one night [annie's shells & cheddar] will sound absolutely repulsive the next.

my will to eat balanced meals and generally healthy food is gone, and i really hate that.  at this time, i am completely unable to make any choices with my brain - only some mysterious hormonal force is dictating my selections.

normal non-preg dinner: salmon, string beans, brown rice blend.  glass of wine if in the mood.  some dark chocolate for dessert.

tonight's 1st tri feast:  amy's breakfast scramble wrap, cheese stick, additional hunk of fresh mozzerella cheese, half a yellow tomato, 3 organic faux oreos

also, my prenatal vitamins are killing me.  i dread every dose.

2) i feel fat.  not pregnant fat, just fat-fat.  i'm not even 8 weeks yet and my pants feel tight by the end of the day.  i am not sure what the breakdown of carbs/bloat/uterus is, but the baby is just approaching the size of a raspberry so i'm pretty sure it's not from that.

it probably shouldn't bother me, but i don't like people looking at me and wondering if i just might have #2 cooking vs. too many cookies.  [even if it's both.]

3) tired.  so, sooooooooooo tired.  i am sleeping 9-10 hours/night and i just don't have that kind of time!  [well, i guess i do, but at the expense of other things].  i even napped with annabel on saturday -- the entire 2 hours.  i'm not the kind of person who can get by on 6 hours/night normally, but typically 7-8 is sufficient.  i miss my usual energy.

4) sense of uncertainty.  the risk of miscarriage is still sizeable during the first tri, so even though i can hope for the best, i cannot feel all that confident that we really will have a child next year.  as crazy as it might sound, this just offends the planner in me.  add my new call schedule [now subject to change!] into the mix and the haziness of it all is driving me crazy.  of course, TTC is an even more uncertain phase and i should be thankful that i may have managed to skip it.  but i'm still impatiently waiting for week 13.

5) lack of motivation.  i can't explain this part very well, but i remember it from last time, too.  i just feel very . . . apathetic.  i usually get a lot of satisfaction from goal-setting, whether it's training for a race or studying for a test.  right now i simply want to lie around and float through the days, waiting to feel better.  in a way, i actually feel that i'm living MORE in the moment at times -- just lying around with annabel or enjoying a nap while she does.  but i also feel like a piece of me is missing.

[also, bonus #6, which was too terribly vain to go in the top 5:  i was in the process of setting up a much-needed japanese straightening appointment when i found out.  ahhhhghgh, i'm going to have over a years' worth of my OWN non-straightened hair by delivery!  basically horrifying.  i need to start actually using my flatiron again.]

ok, all done.  now i promise [really] not another negative word.  based on blog notes i made the last time around, things really did start to turn around by week 11, so only a few more bad ones left!   and i this time i know that if things work out it will be 100% worth it.