[yes last, and i mean that. so let me just get it all out now, and then we will steer away from the topic of trimesters of any kind until #2.]
let me just preface this with the fact that i am so thankful to be pregnant right now. no ultrasounds, no 2WWs, no relentless blank stares from negatives tests that seemed to chase me for months from 2009 - 2011. no strategically timed "relations". and no guilt about running!
i still do not know if my current bump/bloat will translate into baby. but i feel confident that i am still pregnant at this moment. and that, my dear ones, is because:
TOP 5 REASONS:
1) nausea/food aversions. [definitely #1 by far]. i'm not vomiting [yet], and i suppose that's good news. but it doesn't mean i don't feel like i might have to for 80% of my waking hours. the longer i go between eating, the worse things get. but thinking about food [ie, necessary to plan ahead if i want to eat every 2-3 hours] is basically torture. at 9 am, i can't imagine what might be palatable at 11.
like last time, i mostly want to eat carbs and cheese. but they have to be the RIGHT carb and RIGHT cheese at any given moment, and what sounded great one night [annie's shells & cheddar] will sound absolutely repulsive the next.
my will to eat balanced meals and generally healthy food is gone, and i really hate that. at this time, i am completely unable to make any choices with my brain - only some mysterious hormonal force is dictating my selections.
normal non-preg dinner: salmon, string beans, brown rice blend. glass of wine if in the mood. some dark chocolate for dessert.
tonight's 1st tri feast: amy's breakfast scramble wrap, cheese stick, additional hunk of fresh mozzerella cheese, half a yellow tomato, 3 organic faux oreos
also, my prenatal vitamins are killing me. i dread every dose.
2) i feel fat. not pregnant fat, just fat-fat. i'm not even 8 weeks yet and my pants feel tight by the end of the day. i am not sure what the breakdown of carbs/bloat/uterus is, but the baby is just approaching the size of a raspberry so i'm pretty sure it's not from that.
it probably shouldn't bother me, but i don't like people looking at me and wondering if i just might have #2 cooking vs. too many cookies. [even if it's both.]
3) tired. so, sooooooooooo tired. i am sleeping 9-10 hours/night and i just don't have that kind of time! [well, i guess i do, but at the expense of other things]. i even napped with annabel on saturday -- the entire 2 hours. i'm not the kind of person who can get by on 6 hours/night normally, but typically 7-8 is sufficient. i miss my usual energy.
4) sense of uncertainty. the risk of miscarriage is still sizeable during the first tri, so even though i can hope for the best, i cannot feel all that confident that we really will have a child next year. as crazy as it might sound, this just offends the planner in me. add my new call schedule [now subject to change!] into the mix and the haziness of it all is driving me crazy. of course, TTC is an even more uncertain phase and i should be thankful that i may have managed to skip it. but i'm still impatiently waiting for week 13.
5) lack of motivation. i can't explain this part very well, but i remember it from last time, too. i just feel very . . . apathetic. i usually get a lot of satisfaction from goal-setting, whether it's training for a race or studying for a test. right now i simply want to lie around and float through the days, waiting to feel better. in a way, i actually feel that i'm living MORE in the moment at times -- just lying around with annabel or enjoying a nap while she does. but i also feel like a piece of me is missing.
[also, bonus #6, which was too terribly vain to go in the top 5: i was in the process of setting up a much-needed japanese straightening appointment when i found out. ahhhhghgh, i'm going to have over a years' worth of my OWN non-straightened hair by delivery! basically horrifying. i need to start actually using my flatiron again.]
ok, all done. now i promise [really] not another negative word. based on blog notes i made the last time around, things really did start to turn around by week 11, so only a few more bad ones left! and i this time i know that if things work out it will be 100% worth it.