Wednesday, October 31, 2012

tuckered / nov goals


miss annabel has just about had it for the day.  it's 8:12 pm -- over an hour after her usual bedtime -- and she is still in the carseat/stroller in her furry little costume.  i brought her to a post-work halloween party that was nearly 20 minutes away from home, and as i expected she fell into a deep sleep in her carseat.  though i had plans to get her up and go about our usual bedtime routine, i simply can't bring myself to wake her up when she's sleeping so soundly.  instead, i'm going let her nap until she wakes up, and then change her and then hopefully nurse her back to sleep.

until that happens, though, i suppose i have a little time to myself.  i had grand plans for the evening, including cooking and a workout, but am feeling nearly as tuckered as a., so they are not happening.  instead, i had a halloween-appropriate dinner [translation:  lots of sugar, including my favorite sea salt dark chocolate] and finished up some work.  and currently, i am procrastinating from cleaning up with the flimsy excuse that the noise may wake the peaceful sleeper shown above.

the thing is, taking the easy way out has become a bit of a pattern lately.  i'm really happy to have taken a solid week of running recovery after the race, but even then i don't feel like i really rested.  i've been procrastinating and zoning out but not really getting to enjoy any leisure time.  i feel pulled in multiple directions much of the time, and always feeling a few steps behind.

part of the problem is that there truly are NOT enough hours in the day for me to do everything i want to do.  mornings are usually [though not always] somewhat rushed, and i can't remember what it was like to wake up feeling rested.  during the work day in the hospital, i am thankfully able to focus quite well [though i miss her, i'm no longer staring wistfully at annabel's pictures all day long as i was right after maternity leave].  but as the inpatient fellow, the work day is punctuated by pages, so throughout the month this added another aspect of fragmented consciousness and stress.

the evenings are where i've really been struggling -- perhaps because i've never been a night person.  i do enjoy the ~1-2 post-work hours i get to spend with annabel.  they are the highlight of every day!  but once she is in bed, my evening is far from over.  yesterday, i did manage to complete my relative modest list of to-dos.  these included:

- run [3.5 miles - nothing crazy]
- showered
- dishes
- dinner prep [an easy meal]
- baby food prep [apples]
- making a quick pumpkin dip to bring to the halloween party
- finishing 2 consult notes for work
- posting yesterday's huggies post [not writing it, just hitting 'post' on a pre-written draft]
- pumping

i crashed into bed at 11pm, having spent 0 minutes relaxing [although the run did help my mood and does count for something].  it wasn't a great baby sleep night -- i got up to feed annabel at 1 and 5 am and she was up for good at 6am -- so while i was happy to have gotten everything settled before bed, it was also rather exhausting.

i don't have a solution for this.  i'm sitting here wanting to make some sort of resolution or behavior change that could help me feel more rested while still doing everything i want to do . . . but i'm not sure what that could be.  the thing is, the things i am doing that are 'extra' truly ARE important to me.  i want to run/work out [and it really helps my mood overall!].  i want to eat healthy and fresh food that isn't from the freezer or a box all the time.  i want to make a's baby food [this actually isn't that time consuming though i'd like to buy more containers so i can do bigger batches].  i want to blog.  i want to pump [okay fine, no i don't.  but i want to provide a. with as much breast milk as i reasonably can provide].

and i also want [need?] to have time that is just for relaxing in front of the tv or with a book.  and i need -- need -- to get more sleep than i did last night.

could it be worse?
absolutely.  i do not mean for this post to a complaint-fest.  despite intermittent fatigue i really do love motherhood thus far.  i am so thankful to be where i am in life, and i am very happy overall right now!  but things could, in some ways, be better.   i'd like to work on eliminating the bit of procrastinating that i currently do, and i would like to come up with a more realistic game plan for each evening.  i could even start experimenting with moving some chores or my workouts back to the AM, though obviously this would require a much earlier bedtime.

therefore, my goal for the new month -- NOVEMBER, i can't believe you're already here -- is to really work on my time management and take a good, hard look on how best to structure my day to make the most of each one.  secondary goals are to use the time i do have to practice better self care:  getting more sleep, drinking more water, working in more relaxation time even if it's just a few minutes each evening.

i will be back in the lab starting tomorrow, so this will give me more control over my schedule.  and of course -- i will report back at least weekly with my experiences and progress.

for now i am going to curl up with a book and potentially take a nap until a. wakes up to eat and hopefully goes to bed for real [ie, not in her car seat dressed as cookie monster].   thank you all as always for listening reading, and please feel free to share any tips/commiserate.