Wednesday, October 03, 2012

one of those days

doubting everything.
struggling with pumping -- and life.  feeling guilt.  frustration.  a little anger.  envy.  sadness.  feelings of inadequacy.  

honest thoughts going through my head today:

can annabel really bond with me when i'm away from her 9-10 hours a day 5 days/week?


will i ever feel on top of things and non-distracted throughout the day ever again?

at least she still smiles for me.

on a related note, 
i'm considering taking reglan/metoclopramide [for milk supply].  i realize this goes against what i had said previously [that i'd chill and start supplementing] but every time i think about it i honestly cannot STAND the thought of not being able to breastfeed her -- at night, on weekends, in the morning.  it is worth the #$(*&@# pumping, but i'm really struggling right now and feel like i'm falling farther behind every day.  i feel like it is part of what makes our relationship special [because let's face it -- i'm not even her primary caregiver most of the time that she's awake.  which kills me to write, but it's true] and it would break my heart to a) give up the bonding time with her and b) not be able to provide milk for her.

all of the other tricks [fenugreek, mother's milk plus, etc] aren't working and i feel like turning to pharmacology for a couple of months wouldn't be so horrible.  if it worked and didn't produce side effects, that is.

anyone have any experience with this?  

on the up-side, my planner came.  and it's pretty, but bigger than i expected.  more on that later when i'm not in a hormonal tailspin.