Thursday, August 02, 2012

the other side

what goes up . . .
excuse me if this post doesn't make perfect sense -- i'm writing it in a fever-filled haze on tuesday evening [though it won't be posted until thursday due to a giveaway post scheduled for tomorrow].


yeah, this is terrible.  and i'm looking for sympathy.

i just want to take a moment to say something that has been weighing on my mind ever since this blog took a turn towards mommy blogger territory [not something i planned and i hope i offer more than just that, but . . . it is what it is.]

the thing is:  motherhood is amazing.  and exciting.  and fun.  and satisfying.

except when it's not.

skewed view?
i really have, on the whole, enjoyed the journey thus far.  a. is a wonderful baby and really, i got what exactly what i signed up for!  every single positive post i have written has been in earnest, coming from a place of utter sincerity.  the thing is that when i'm struggling:


a) i don't want to come off as a complainer.  after all, i literally waited years for this.


b) i am less likely to have the time/energy to blog during those times.


reason b) is probably why when i flip through the recent archives, the theme is one of overwhelming bliss.  it's completely honest when i'm writing it!  but of course, everything isn't ALWAYS easy.  in fact, i struggle quite frequently.

at this very moment i'm struggling: my temp has reached dramatic heights [102] and as a result, i think i just conducted the least enthusiastic bedtime routine to date.  [luckily it seemed that a. enjoyed her extra-warm milk and is currently passed out.]

all last week i struggled:  she has had a daycare illness [#3, the one i am currently enduring] and as i've mentioned, has been up every couple of hours coughing.  i was a good sport about it at first, but it has gotten old.  and i was pretty torn up about having to miss out on date night [we've only managed two so far].

at work i sometimes struggle:  i end up anxious about finding time to pump during clinic days [though so far it's been fine] and at each pump session, the ol' pump 'n' style still feels like a barometer of my worthiness as a mom.  [5 oz?  i rule.  3 oz?  someone should probably call DSS.  what did i do wrong?!]


stop judging meeeee . . .

working out has been better than i imagined, but can still be a struggle.  i've decided to train for a half, but my 12-week training plan has already been marred by two missed workouts this week [due to aforementioned day care-acquired illness #3].

getting dressed is still a struggle each AM.  while the baby weight has been off for some time, i personally find my current body shape awkward and hard to dress.  i feel frumpy more days than i do not.

and finally, as much as it saddens me to admit it, i still struggle to find the energy to get through the day sometimes.  i SO want to do everything -- work, care for annabel, stay fit [and enjoy my favorite running hobby], blog, cook healthy/decent dinners, maintain a fairly organized household, and more.  some days it all comes together.  and on others, it most certainly does not.


a this AM.  she got mad and kicked her socks off.
apparently i was taking too long to get ready for her tastes.

i think about dear friends with multiple babies [hi sue!] and realize that on the whole, i actually have it pretty easy.  and yet on many days, life feels like a significant challenge.  i stare at the piles of dirty pump parts in the sink, and think: how many more days like this?



this week's plans:  might as well just rip this sheet out and start over.  thanks, virus.


so there you have it.
again, i 100% have no intention of deceiving anyone when i write over-the-moon posts about a wonderful weekend or successful day.  but i do want to provide a balanced picture.  i love being a mom and would do it again in a heartbeat [and hopefully will . . .eventually], but i don't want anyone to read and think that it's always easy, natural, and perfect.


only sometimes.