relieved to be awake

message from somewhere
i had horrible apocalyptic dreams last night.

sometimes i wonder if dali had some secret device to capture images in his sleep
[image source]
this may be pregnancy-related: some fancy trick of hormones, or perhaps a subconscious way of dealing with the otherwise unfathomable life changes to come.

i have had a number of baby dreams in the past. usually, i find myself with a healthy full-term-sized infant that just happened to come out at 20-some weeks. [surprise?]. often, it’s a boy instead of the girl i saw on 2 ultrasounds. these vignettes are a little weird, but not unhappy.

but my dream last night had no baby. instead, there was just a lot of death. apparently, something very bad happened [to the earth? some sort of apocalypse? not sure] and it was time for everyone’s life to end, and i watched loved ones jump into an open chasm to drown while preparing for my own fatal leap. it felt incredibly real — likely aided by the natural soundtrack of rain on our building roof — and it was absolutely horrible.

i woke up and thought i was safe, but another tale of death greeted me in my google reader.

perhaps the universe is trying to remind me of something, as i am lulled into a content state of nesting and waiting. the hard-to-bear truth is that life is finite and i have no idea how much time i have left, or how much anyone has left. nothing [including the baby girl currently doing flips in my uterus] is certain. which also means . . .

plans are interesting to think about, but it’s now that matters.

i spent some time this morning trying to shake out the scary images. i cracked open the new notebook, brainstorming [and trying to distract myself] with some little things that i would still love to address in my life — but admittedly i now feel silly thinking about some of them.

but maybe these little things do matter. life is made up of little things, right? small moments and feelings and sometimes actions, all adding up to something much more. above all, i want to cultivate health, love, and happiness — in myself, and in those around me. i want to create memories to cherish, but that’s secondary. i really want to LIVE them while they are happening.

i have no idea what i am trying to say with all this [definitely NOT that improving my hydration will lead to immortality and eternal bliss]. i just feel like there is a lot to think about. thank you, rain and progesterone and perhaps a slightly warped subconscious. it’s going to be an interesting tuesday.