reflections

warp speed
i suppose it’s a good thing, but this week is going by in a flash! come to think of it, october seems to be slipping through my fingers pretty quickly. it has been a big month and there is still more fun and excitement up ahead.

i received a comment yesterday [thank you monica] that i seem much more focused and content these days. i definitely agree — while i still have anxieties about what the future will bring, i feel like i haven’t been this purely happy for quite some time.

★ after 2.5 years of frustrating TTC, i am having [so far] a completely normal and healthy pregnancy. i am so thankful for this and it honestly makes me smile every single morning when i wake up and notice my [growing] bump.

★ i feel amazing lately [hormones! 2nd tri magic! whatever it is — i’ll take it and just want it to last] and have been thrilled that i’ve managed to stay active and energetic. the drastic contrast with the 1st tri [when i really didn’t feel so great] makes me appreciate this so much more.

★ i think i finally made peace with the lab. while i still do not want to be a career researcher, i am starting to actually enjoy my workdays in the lab. giving the experience much more structure with a specific schedule and to-do list each day has helped a lot.

★ i am happy to be channeling some of my energy into productive and important things — ie, i no longer have that nagging guilt about squandering my own time. i am reading more [for work and fun], studying spanish, cooking, and the apartment is staying relatively neat. i think it’s perhaps i am being propelled by the fear of how much my routines will change in 6 months, but it’s certainly good practice. [it also helps that my work hours are pretty much 9 – 5 right now — this will change once i am back on service starting in november, but i think things will still be manageable].

through a long-distance lens
i am now able to better reflect on the second half of 2010 and the first half of 2011 — this period was very tough for me. i struggled with the loss of what i had come to see as certain parts of my identity [especially running] and had a hard time coping with the vast uncertainty of the whole TTC process. i turned to yoga, meditation, self-help, shopping [luckily not TOO much shopping] — anything to distract and place a sort of band-aid on my longing and sadness.

and now, i just feel so happy and lucky and alive.

i don’t know if there are any great lessons here — after all, i essentially got what i wanted and now i’m content — isn’t that sort of obvious? but i do think if there’s anything that i’ve learned, it’s that it’s okay to have these periods of darkness and frustration. most likely, they will eventually pass. i also discovered that it’s okay to ask for professional help [i was THISCLOSE to seeing a therapist in the fertility clinic when i — well, ended up getting pregnant before the appointment came up], and to be honest, i probably should have done that sooner. finally, i am so glad i opened up about things with family and friends . . .and even the blog. sharing / talking about / writing about my experiences turned out to be very therapeutic in a way, and i even met some new friends [hi s!] through the whole ordeal.

so, thank YOU all for being there.

in other news
wow, i never planned to write anything like that this morning — just sort of slipped out! what i did plan on was showing off my newest notebook purchase:

rhodia meeting book from durham standby morgan imports
my old quo vadis habana notebook is almost filled up, and i actually didn’t like the combo of my favorite pens [0.4 mm hi-tec Cs] against the slick pages. sometimes skipping happened, or [the horror!!] a stray smudge. i am left-handed, after all.

i’m going to use the rhodia for meetings, conferences, and notes related to lab happenings or presentations. i’m just slightly more jazzed for work today. the power of paper!

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10.18.11

workout: rest day — good timing, because i was due for one and did end up leaving for the lab by 7.

chili con pollo y queso you know, just practicing the ol’ español. cooking light’s white chicken chili looks tasty but not so exciting on its own:

you know, since it’s white and all . . .
but a few toppings took things up several notches!

diced green pepper, pickled jalopeño slices, jack/cheddar shreds, and plain yogurt
LOVED this. and to really bring it home . . .

spicy jalopeno corn bread muffins!!!
the only missing ingredient? JOSH. i had no intentions of making such a fancy dinner for just me, but that’s how it turned out. despite the fact that he is the vascular fellow [ie: not transplant], he ended up staying at work overnight doing a kidney transplant with his very gifted multifaceted attending. great [though tiring] learning experience for him, a less fun evening for me. however, he should be here tonight for the leftovers!