Tuesday, October 04, 2011

not always sunshine + roses

feeling a little under the weather

and i definitely can't blame the weather itself.

somewhere along my TTC journey, i developed the mindset that "if only i could become pregnant, i will be happy forever and always!" it felt like this barrier was the ONLY thing preventing me from living a life of unadulterated bliss.

i was wrong.

it's the same thing as an overweight woman envisioning a wild and fabulous new life at the end of her weight-loss journey, or a medical student swearing that life will be just DUCKY as soon as she gets that MD [hint: wrong].

there will always be stress. there will always be struggles. and there will sometimes be failures.

do not worry: baby is okay!
don't worry -- my little 14-week peanut is just fine. in fact, it's a big week -- marking the official entrance into the 2nd trimester by most definitions! i am thrilled to have made it to this point without any incident and it still warms my heart to think about the coming weeks and months: being able to feel movements [can't wait!], looking really [and not ambiguously] pregnant, and finally meeting this little person inside me and becoming a mother + family.

i think that might even be a thumbs up

but: work is stressing me out, from multiple angles. lab. patient issues. i feel like i'm having trouble making everyone happy and i also feel somewhat scatterbrained despite trying REALLY hard not to be [hormones!?]. i'm starting to get anxious about things like day care and finding a job in the future. even though i went in prepared for this, i'm also admittedly worried about doing most of the parenting by myself -- not because josh wants it that way, but because his fellowship honestly requires hours that are . . . well, a lot.

i'm worried about our finances [we've saved a good chunk for day care, but some of our living expenses have recently increased -- new apartment, for example]. i'm nervous about balancing work + family. i am anxious about being able to be a good mother AND good doctor at the same time.

one day at a time
i don't have any easy answers -- all i know is that i need to take things one day and one deep breath at a time. i will do my best and be open to life's possibilities. and i will try to remember that a perfect, angst-free existence is never just one barrier away.