Wednesday, August 17, 2011

letting it out

i won't say i haven't dropped a few hints.

first, there was this picture: randomly posted on a friday.

that smile has suspicious written all over it, if you ask me.

and just day later, i quit coffee after a 16-year love affair with the stuff. and lately, you may have noticed that i have entered an epic phase of laziness.

interestingly enough, however, when i wrote expectations versus reality, i wrote about what it means to have shoulds in our lives that we cannot control. one of my shoulds, of course, was: "i should be pregnant by now."

i truly did not have any idea [nor high hopes] that i actually already was.

31 months off of the pill
~1 year of medicated/monitored cycles
god-knows-how-many ultrasounds
7-8 lbs of ovary-supporting weight
many crying fits
as many wonderful supportive friends, both on-line and off

1 supportive and wonderful husband who endured it all
1 healthy heart beating away in my uterus at 7 weeks


note #1: thank you all for your support through all of this. and to anyone reading right now in TTC mode, i completely understand if this makes you upset. i was there . . . really not long ago, and i really do understand. but PLEASE PLEASE know this is going to happen for you, too!! it will probably come when you least expect it, perhaps when you've given up hope [or expectations]. booking a trip to hawaii for 6 months from now might help, too :)

note #2: although risk of miscarriage does go down after the heartbeat is visualized on ultrasound [by my research to around 5% or less], it is still a very real possibility. while of course i am hoping for the best, i decided to open up here about it because i believe i would be comfortable sharing a loss [and would likely really need to do so]. however, if you could please keep mention of this off of facebook, i would appreciate it! i guess a blog is by no means intimate, but . . . somehow it feels that way, thanks to you all.