Saturday, February 19, 2011

breaking through

pizza-fests aside, i'm still struggling. this month -- or really, 2011 -- has just not been a very happy time for me. at least i know i'm not the only one officially in a funk.

in response to a rant concerning my current issues, a wise online-friend [you know who you are!] wrote me something yesterday that i found to be brilliantly insightful:
"As for uncovering a weakness in yourself, I think it is completely understandable that gaining weight and having to cut running is sabotaging your "balance" in life. We are what we do every day, and I know from your blog that you are a relatively regimented, disciplined person who enjoys setting goals and achieving them. TTC has been a goal that hasn't been easy to achieve, and on top of that, you've had to take away daily accomplishments from yourself (eating what you perceive to be a balanced, weight maintaining diet; running a certain amount of miles). It is incredibly distressing for a person who likes to be in control to suddenly have to FORCE herself to feel out of control! Not trying to play the psychotherapist, but I have been there, and am right now!
woah. yes. exactly.

i keep waiting for something to celebrate, something to distract me from . . . well, all of the above. yesterday i received my score from the NIH on my grant, and while it wasn't a terrible number, it is unlikely to be funded. i turn to blogs or facebook for inspiration but honestly? lately just seeing all of the shiny, happy, active people [and the shiny, happy, fertile people on facebook -- my issue! not theirs!] is just amplifying my low feelings. sad, but true.

i do not want to continue feeling like this. it's not like this is the first time i've been, well, sad; just off the top of my head, i can reference quarterlife crisis, intern (and injury) blues, and PICU-and-sleep-deprivation-fueled general hatred of life. but i feel like all of those situations had defined endpoints. i knew the PICU rotation -- or even my intern year -- had a stop date. this was a huge source of comfort. sure, i may have been doing a lot of "counting down", and i do think that is not the best way to live. but in those times, it did seem to help.

i want to feel like this again -- full of hope and ready to seize the day(s). i want to have days as lovely as this, even on days that are not my birthday.

this time, i can't rely on just letting the days run out until 'the end', since i do not know when that will be (and i hate that strategy, anyway!). i think instead, i need to take charge of my life NOW, and make some purposeful changes. i am not ready to proclaim some life-changing manifesto just yet, but inspired by (neverhome)maker, here are some little things i am going to try to do in the hopes of bringing myself back:

1. disconnect: not completely, but i want to drastically cut down the amount of time i spend online. i feel like i've been relying on my google reader as an escape mechanism -- yet it has become one that often tends to magnify negative thoughts.

2. get outside: as the weather gets nicer, i think some sun therapy can only help. since i am not doing long runs outside, that means finding other reasons to get out and soak in the vitamin D. anyone around here want to go hiking?

3. shop smart: i need clothing i can feel good in -- things to get me through the '0th trimester' that i'm in right now, as well as the 1st when it finally happens. i don't have enough that fits this description. my closet should not be the source of stress that it is to me right now.

a clothing picture NOT from anthro!? this springy top is from ATL

4. continue strength training + yoga: both make me feel better, at least temporarily. since i have 12 classes to use up in about 4 weeks, i will be a frequent flier at blue point. i will enjoy having this as part of my routine.

5. eat well: i need to continue eating plenty, but for my own sanity i need to feel better about my food choices. [don't worry, i think meals featuring gooey cheese fit into a healthy diet just fine! just not every night, with a side of alcohol.]

6. make plans + be social: i am happiest when i am with people, but when i'm in a MOOD i tend to isolate. hmm.

7. acknowledge negative thoughts and move on: exactly what it sounds like. i want to take a more detached, zen approach rather than continuing to dwell on (admittedly petty! impatient! irrational!) things. obviously, these thoughts will still bubble to the surface, but i can choose to either let them simmer into a bitter stew or just acknowledge them and move on, bringing my focus back to who i am with or what i am doing.

all right, that's a start. not a cure-all or a quick-fix, but a beginning. here's to making some changes in the right direction! because really, there will be only one february 19th, 2011.

in fact, who knows -- maybe this is my last february 19th ever (hope not! but you never know). i need to get back to savoring and appreciating the many wonderful things i do have, and not slogging through and focusing on everything that is wrong.

any funk-busting words of wisdom? i would love to read them.



workout: 30 minutes elliptical + weights - NROL4W phase 1, week 2, workout B:
-- 2 x 12 deadlifts (i think i did a better job using my legs this time, but my back is still a little sore). 1st set 25 lbs + bar; 2nd set 35 lbs + bar.

-- 2 x 12 dumbell shoulder press - 1st set 10 lbs; 2nd set 12.5 lbs

-- 2 x 12 lat pull-downs - 55 lbs both sets

-- 2 x 12 lunges - 12.5 lbs each hand both sets

-- 2 x 10 crunches on ball - just body weight

dinner was at mill town where i consumed my weight in carbs + cheese in the form of soft pretzel, cheese dip, some of josh's fries, my own grilled cheese/veg sandwich, and a beer. i am definitely craving pure + healthy today!