Wednesday, December 29, 2010

baby are you down

down, down, down, down?

sorry. had to get that out of my system.

all right. i've talked a big game lately -- it's resolution time, after all, and that's one of my favorite times of the year -- perhaps even my #1 favorite now that 'back-to-school' no longer applies. (what? i've embraced my inner nerd.)

but the truth is, i've been in a horrible mood all week.

trying to make the best of things in a fun outfit today, but still pouting.

an analysis
note: i realize that while (like it or not) these issues are currently impacting my psyche, pretty much NONE of the points listed below are things that are truly important. they are totally first world problems, and probably petty ones at that. but i don't wallow in a vat of self-pity that often, so just indulge me this once . . .

i'm mad because my hair does not meet my expectations. i loved it before washing, but afterwards something happened and it's much fluffier than it was previously, especially towards the ends. also, i pretty much hate the choppy cut, which just seems to amplify the pouf. i'm debating going back to the salon and complaining (since i shelled out >$300) . . . but i'm worried they could make things even worse.

you know what is not helping me out right now? seeing everyone's shiny, happy christmas breaks on other blogs. i realize that is a ridiculous (and pathetic, and maybe wrong) thing to admit, but it's true. this is the first year of my life that i have had no real christmas (or new year's) break aside from a measly 3-day weekend (coming up), and that saddens me a little. also, please note that if i had engaged in a shiny/happy christmas break of my own, i would be posting about it up the wazoo, so this is my issue, not yours!

running restrictions. of course, i have been getting race announcements in the mail every other week and josh -- who hasn't trained consistently in years -- is all the sudden running regularly and following a training plan. bah.

the real green monster: i found out that yet another one of my friends is 10 weeks pregnant. she went off of the pill in august. this august. i am definitely happy for her, but at the same time, it hurt. at least she's not a runner.

so there you have it. what would really help is if i could instantly be on vacation with perfect hair and cooperating ovaries. or perhaps some of you can commiserate.

or maybe i should make a list of things that make me smile
(and finish up the 'smile' page while i'm at it!)
1. zen habits. because leo babauta seems to just get how to live.

[favorites: how not to multitask; simply & savor life; living lightly; how not to hurry; kindfully & mindfully]

2. writing lists. preferably with a good pen on good paper.

3. beautiful design.

4. this guy:

[who, incidentally, has put up with a lot this week. sorry, babe.]

5. you all. seriously, you have no idea how much your comments and emails have helped me, especially this week. so thank you, thank you, thank you.



workout: 3 miles @ 9:13/mi on the TM, 0.5% incline. i don't have much more to say about that.

return to martha: i dug out my martha for a re-run of her pumpkin enchiladas with chicken. they didn't photograph well last year or this year, but at least they were consistent.

smothered in cheesy goodness


  1. oh Sarah! I really feel for you! I want to give you a hug and tell you everything will be better immediately but that's not how life works! I know you are dealing with it and I admire your honesty and the fact that you have admitted what is getting you down.
    I have not started dealing with the 'trying to get pregnant' issues but if I am completely honest I have been delaying it as I am worried that things may not work out so well (I have a chronic condition). Anyhoo I think things always work out for the best so dont give up as yet.
    And here is something else to make you smile. You write amazing posts and you are one of my favourite bloggers. I need my daily dose of SHU. So thank you for being you and for being honest!

  2. Anonymous7:30 AM

    hugshugshugshugshugs! this is totally a tough time to be done but you have a great support system and i'm sure that things will start to get better at some point. when? i wish i knew and know that's probably the LAST thing you want to hear right now. but keep moving forward :)

    did i miss the post where you talked to the doc about the pregnancy stuff? i vaguely remember you mentioning that you were going to meet and chat with someone (informally i think) but i never caught a followup

  3. cp: thank you, darling!! that means a lot to me! and i hope the best for your health issues!!

    mm: i quoted her here. ie: not a lot of specific instruction, but i got the general gist. and i have been seeing a reproductive endocrinologist (meds, ultrasounds, etc) for a few months now . . . so not so informal anymore.

  4. Major hugs, Sarah. Can I just say that you're not the only one down in the dumps this Christmas? Kudos to you for being so honest and forthright about it - sometimes putting it out there is a big step towards being able to work past all the bad things going on. And remember, I'm all about the 3 & 4 milers, followed by LoYo. Because it's all about balance :)

  5. Well everybody is allowed to be down from time to time.
    Maybe the new year will be better.

  6. Anonymous8:42 AM

    The economy of zen of my life

    you never get 100%
    Learn to be happy with 90%
    It's the last 3% you try to get that drives you crazy
    is crazy worth 3%?

    The zen: Once you are at peace with 90% opportunities arise you would have never considered since they are exclusive of the 3% that is driving you crazy. Seize these and adventure will be yours

  7. Well....on the (totally doesn't make up for the bad side at all) bright side, your outfit in the pouty pic is so adorable! Is the skirt corduroy? Also, love the cheesy eggs! I second the first comment...I am so sorry things aren't going your way right now, and thank you for continuing to post thoughtful and honest accounts.

  8. Big hugs to you Sarah! (and i love your skirt)

  9. Anonymous9:23 AM

    Sarah, did you see Gretchen Rubin's segment on the Today show (maybe last week?) talking about how common it is to have "the blues" this time of year? High expectations, stress, bad weather, etc. My boyfriend is going through a "down" time right now, only wish he would be more open about it like you are!
    Keep up the great writing, and the "smile" list - never forget what the good things are in your life!

  10. This is my first comment but your blog is part of my morning ritual. I enjoy it because it is thoughtful, and a good example of time management. I appreciate you being a runner, wife, adventurer and a fellow! well balanced and organized life and you did influence me with that!
    I hope you have a wonderful new year and please be patient.

  11. <3 you. That is all

  12. Anonymous9:32 AM

    *Hugs* 1. I think you should go back to the salon if you're not happy. You deserve to get your $$ worth! 2. Your outfit is SO CUTE! 3. I struggle with the green monster too (not about that paticular issue) but it really helps to just let it out sometimes. 4) You're awesome! I've been so inspired by your blog...even your negative comments usually have a silver lining. Here's to making it through the Holiday Blues!!

  13. Meredeth10:58 AM

    Hey Sarah,

    Long time no comment on my part, but I just wanted to say that I know the whole running thing really has you down, but I think without a doubt you are doing the right thing. Yes, there are definitely people out there who can run 100 miles a week, have minimal body fat, and still have lots of healthy babies. But not everyone can be a pediatric endocrinologist either, and not everyone has a loving husband, family, and friends. It may be that you need to just relax and put on some pounds in order to get pregnant. I have definitely heard of that happening to people, and that could very well be me in a couple years when the time is right for me to start thinking about children. Already, I've started cutting down on the miles in order to try and get things back on track. You can ALWAYS become a runner again, and losing a little (or even a significant amount) of weight is a piece of cake for someone who knows how to live a healthy lifestyle. So I say go with it - you have your whole life to run and be in top physical shape, but you don't have your whole life to have healthy babies. Seriously.

    Best in the new year - I hope to see you up north (or maybe even down south) sometime in the not-so-distant future!

  14. Anonymous11:23 AM

    I TOTALLY understand. After our two week waiting period after our IUI, I was not pregnant:(. And some of the meds made me so depressed. Now I am benched for the month with a giant cyst and on birth control pills. We try to joke about it, but it seems really horrible to be taking them. We now call the couch the depression couch because I am on it all the time. Hang in there, with all the hormones, injections, etc, I think it is a natural response to be bummed. I have been going to acupuncture and whether or not it is helping the baby making process is iffy but the stress relief and zen I get from going is great. I always feel good when I leave. That and yoga are my saviors.

  15. I am WITH YOU! I only had 4 days off for Christmas and I have been throwing myself a pity party all morning. ALSO I recently had a disappointing haircut at Citrine in CH. UGH. It is so frustrating. I went back to complain and for advice due to the choppiness and she recommended using a flat iron. I actually laughed out loud and reminded her that I told her that it's a triumph for me to even dry my hair. BAH!

    But I think that listing positive items in your life right now is the perfect way to go! Good for you for writing this post!! :)

  16. Hugs to you Sarah, I am so sorry this has been a less than stellar week and so impressed you can post about it in a way that is honest and totally relatable. I have just been pouting in my corner but have not yet found a way to post about it on my blog :(

    Like you, I am so aware that I have first world problems. I worked all of Thanksgiving weekend including day of Thanksgiving, worked most of Christmas weekend, and I am having outpatient surgery on Tuesday next week but I feel weird being whiny about that one because I have health insurance and the tumor that is being removed was benign at biopsy three years ago and really, why am I even complaining. You get the idea. So go you for posting about it so gracefully :) I need to learn how to do that instead of just not mentioning it on my blog.

  17. atilla12:12 PM

    nothing like a little sadness to get the comments flowing I have 4 days off and its being billed as a great vacation! The reality is you are not running and your endorphins need to find a new source of stimulous

  18. Awww cheer up Sarah!! Although I really think just admitting what's getting you down is helpful- who cares if you're not supposed to be upset about it ;) I definitely feel you on the running restrictions- I wish there was a way to automatically delete every email that comes in with the word "run" or "race" in it.

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  20. Hi Sarah! Just wanted to say that I love reading your blog, and am inspired to be a pediatric endocrinologist too because of you! I read your blog everyday for the mix of healthy living-running-mindfullness-food-medicine and it's really awesome! :)

    Things sound tough lately; hang in there! Hope things become better. Totally know what you mean about needing the daily dose of running etc, whenever exams etc force me to cut down on my running, I get super cranky. But if it works in the long run it's uber worth it!

    Also that I really don't know how you manage to fit everything in, it's really amazing and inspiring :)

  21. Anonymous1:42 PM

    Hi Sarah,

    First, that skirt that got away from me and you got it. It looks awesome on you!

    Second, your hair in my opinion has never looked cuter. I think it has an edgier and chic look. I know that's me and not you so it may not help.

    Third, not running. There is no way around this; it sucks, truly sucks. Physically and psychologically running is important won't be forever; I agree that you need another endorphin outlet.

    Fourth, having little time off; you can't compare to more flexible professions; it's apples and oranges. Few people have more than a couple of days off and the people in professions that are less flexible are (less) unlikely to blog.

    Fifth, of course you are happy and jealous of your friend who is now pregnant. It is terribly difficult to be in your situation. In psychology, there is a type of stress called nonevent stress; when desired events out of one's control don't happen. This is one of the most 'stressful forms of stress.'

    I think you are just in the most difficult time of adjusting to the new normal--not quite yet at acceptance. Hang in will improve.

  22. Anonymous3:05 PM

    hmmmm. what to say....i know things will get better. fertility wise it will happen i just know it! hair wise TOTALLY call them or go back and get the cut fixed for sure! if you are not satisfied with it cause that can drive you insane. running wise it is an adjustment i know and i remember when i did it. this will become your new normal. all transitions take time.
    on a happier note, i am glad that you are able to still look on the bright side of things and your outfit in that pic is just awesome. i am currently wearing an ill fitting cross country tee from high school and leggings. i am just proud that there are no holes in anything i am wearing. ugh!

  23. I wish you lived in boston so we could commisterate! I worked thanksgiving and christmas this year-and my husband has a 2 week vacation-paid! I tried to crunch my hair today and it looks like I got electrocuted!
    on a more serious note, we have been trying for a baby since february, to no avail. I am a pediatric nurse and if I see one more teenager with a baby or someone who's kids get taken by dcf I might go postal-I have a doctors' appt next week. hang in there with the running-I have been trying other forms of exercise lately-today I did spinning and totally loved it!

  24. Big hugs for you! Here's hoping the New Year brings you and your husband many blessings. Hang in there. Also, I'd go back and see what they can do about your hair. I wasn't happy with a $20 haircut once and went back. It was worth it because I left with something I really enjoyed. It's worth a shot.

  25. Anonymous11:35 PM

    i'm a regular reader, but this is my first time posting. just wanted to say that i'm pulling for you... within a year after my husband and i found out that we couldn't have children, my sister and my three closest girlfriends all became pregnant. (and guess who was asked to throw all four showers? i did it happily, but many tears were shed in private).

    as a runner who's always trying (and failing) to get my husband to join me on a run, i'd be grouchy if he started running just when i couldn't. josh, c'mon! why not go swimming, indoor rock climbing, or to a yoga class *together*?

    i hope that next week is better for you, sarah! if you need a pick-me-up, i'd suggest new yoga clothes from lululemon. ;)

  26. Anonymous12:49 AM

    Keep your chin up! The skirt is adorable. I say talk to the salon -maybe there is a simple solution, wouldn't hurt to ask. Just remember to breathe

  27. I love writing with a good pen on good paper too. I'm such a dork, I love getting a package of nice new pens from Staples.