Sunday, October 31, 2010

holding out

delayed gratification
when i was little, i used to save things. each fall, i preserved my snow-white keds in my closet, trying to hold out as long as possible before wearing them to school where invariably i would muck them all up on the playground. i hoarded stationery supplies, carefully arranged in drawers for years, never sending my prettiest cards or using the fanciest erasers. my halloween candy was savored piece by piece, and usually lasted until at least march.

ahh, pristine, blue-tagged simplicity!

20 years later (eek), i still occasionally find myself with similar impulses. but then i realize how fleeting life really is, and hey -- no one is going to deny me another pair of keds (or, you know, cherry juice heels, as the case may be) if i mess up my current ones.

except sometimes, i still find myself falling back on these habits. only now, it's more complicated! you see, i really wanted to go shopping, but i had been sort of sitting back and waiting, hoping that these dreams would come true and render my usual wardrobe choices useless within a few short months. in the same vein, i have been avoiding any sort of training for races, even though it is something that i love to do.

but so far, things are not proving to be SO easy (what? everything in the world is not under my control!?!?), and i think that perhaps if i just relax and live my life, maybe that will help things fall into place.

and so yesterday, josh and i hit the mall.

i tried on about 50 of the sweater-coats that are very in right now and finally (with my fashion advisor's help) decided that they are just not meant for my body type. i ended up with this tabbed military sweater jacket instead:

except i do not see myself pairing it with a beret. sorry, banana!

and while this one top does not exactly fix my closet imbalance in one fell swoop, at least it's a start:

raining lines henley is soft and fit like a dream

in the same vein, i am also contemplating signing up for a race of some sort. not anything crazy (even though evidence is lacking, i sort of feel like marathon training and fertility do not go together all that well, unless you're these ladies), but maybe a winter 5K or 10K. i do not plan on amping up mileage, but just adding back some structure (and speed!) to my
workouts. if my race plans get derailed by a positive beta-HCG -- well, awesome.

is there anyone out there who can relate to this 'life on hold' phenomenon as it relates to TTC, or perhaps some other big life milestone? i would love to hear your experiences and advice.

iTunes refresher
extra excited to head out on my run this morning after downloading new albums from two of my favorite artists:

i always feel like sufjan stevens goes so well with the crisp fall landscape

twee it may be, but i forever hold a soft spot in my heart for good old b & s

off to get things done (yesterday turned out to be much more of a relaxed day).

oh, and of course: happy halloween!



workout: for a change of pace, i headed to spin class. the classes at my gym aren't always my favorite, often featuring music from the 70s, a decade that i (thankfully) missed altogether. however, yesterday's class had fun tracks from rihanna to beyoncé, and i had a great time while sweating a totally ridiculous amount.

restaurant revu: buku: i just haven't been able to bring myself to whip out my ol' camera out at darkened, trendy restaurants these days -- and buku in raleigh certainly fits this description. they have an extremely eclectic international menu focused on recreations of street food.

i was excited to try it, but had read some really mixed reviews. in particular, several diners lambasted the restaurant for being overly expensive with miniscule small plates. for the record, we did not have that experience at all! we ordered 8 small plates among 4 of us, and with a bottle of wine, an extra mixed drink, dessert, and coffee thrown in there, the total check for each couple came to under $70 (pre tax/tip)!

the atmosphere was fun and swanky, and the dishes were on the whole tasty (though not everything was fantastic). if you go, i recommend the fattoush, jade prawns, and korean barbeque; we were not really fans of the papadum (just kind of greasy + boring). i liked the bao (steamed pork buns), but josh, who was comparing them to those he had enjoyed in china, felt they needed more pork!


  1. I totally fall victim to the "life on hold" phenomenon, as well. It's hard for me not to! But, I agree with you, self-reminders that life is too short, that everyday should be lived to its fullest and not set aside in anticipation (or preparation) for what's to come ahead, help.

    I suffered through this also, when trying to get pregnant. (It took us about 9 months and that's a long time to put your life on hold, let me tell you! especially when you then enter into a new period of looking ahead and focusing on the next thing, another 9 months ahead.) I'm also struggling a bit with it now due to a job situation that's too difficult to explain properly in a comment section on a blog! But, suffice it to say that this post was a great reminder to me to remind myself to focus on the here and now.

    Love the new clothes, by the way!!

  2. Anonymous11:19 AM

    i totally am all for the whole delayed gratification / holding out thing too. i always think that i need stock up "just in case". it's a habit that the older i get the more it seems to be easier to let go and do things for the here and now

    and woooooooooooooooot to gym classes. i think i'm going to have to get a gym membership for the winter to train if weather is bad and my deciding factor will likely be the classes as i'm hoping i can still run outside and don't want to "waste" my money

  3. I do that in regards to weight loss. I always think that I shouldn't buy new clothes because I want to lose 10 pounds but then it doesn't happen and all my clothes are old!

    I think you have the right idea though. If you train for a race and get pregnant, it's still a win.

  4. Anonymous12:04 PM


    I so enjoyed your post. I'm on the other side with older kids. I think you are right to live your life- now. Get your clothes, run your races. 'Your life' will be so on hold in a sense post-kids that this can a real time to enjoy the things that you enjoy without thinking...hmm.. should I get the outfit when back to school shopping is right around the corner, or should I schedule the race when I know that ______ child's activity is during that same month and don't even get me started on trying to squeeze in training. It is SO hard to not be in control but try not to live to much for the'll get there soon enough.

  5. Lauren1:10 PM

    Hey Sarah--it took me almost a year to get pregnant....I think if you hold yourself back on too much (within reason of course) you will drive yourself bonkers. We now have a crazy and wonderful 16 month old and I agree with "anonymous" who said you have to change your life in so many ways when you have a baby, enjoy your freedom (and your extra cash) while you have it!! :)

  6. I can definitely relate to putting life on hold; I really feel like you've got to just listen to yourself and go with what you hold true. You know it's been 2 1/2 years for us TTC and I feel like we have still been able to have a nice balance. I can't imagine many worldly things in life that I wouldn't give up in an instant to have a healthy baby in my arms in return.

    PS. We should catch up soon, email me with lunch possibilities if you have any availability.

  7. I'm kind of in the same place as you because wee are planning to start trying to conceive in Feb. Right now my plan is to continue with everything as normal but postpone signing up for races until the last minute because I've promised that I won't try to race pregnant. It would be a disappointment to train for a marathon or something and have to drop out at the last minute, but I think that happens to everyone for some reason or another at some time.

  8. I totally understand the delayed gratification thing too - I think it has something to do with being a high achiever honestly. I took am shopping for clothes after delaying gratification there for a while so it is fun to see your purchases. I am determined to do more non-food posts on my blog again too :)

  9. atilla10:54 PM

    life on hold is a specialty for people pursuing post graduate training and its good to recognize and integrate into a balanced enjoyment of life and professional pursuits. way too serious... happy Haloween. hope you dressed up if not think about it next year

  10. Anonymous7:14 AM

    I got pregnant with my son the first month we started trying, so when we decided to try for a second, we assumed it would be as easy. Except that it took a year to get pregnant with my daughter. For the first 9 months or so, I was definitely guilty of the putting life on hold thing, and though likely just coincidental, it was only after I decided to stop doing that that I got pregnant.

  11. Louise11:16 AM

    So good to hear from someone else who hesitates before signing up for that race hoping that she's preggers by then! Since we needed fertility treatments for DD and are doing them again for another little one, I share your frustration. But I've gone ahead and registered for those races, telling myself that I will be really happy to lose the registration fee if I'm pregnant and unable to run. (Note that those things aren't necessarily incomptable--I ran up until the day before my DD was born!!)