Tuesday, July 05, 2005

transparent sublimina

last night i dreamed that i was a resident, or more specifically, an intern. i think it was an internal medicine position of some sort, but i'm not sure. sadly, i was no more prepared in this dream to have these sorts of responsibilities than i am in my real life, and i knew that this meant the patients (and i) were in deep trouble.

it was terrifying.

i woke up and the terrified-feeling continued to permeate my existance as i attempted to prep physics 3 for kaplan. usually, the lessons have enough spoon-feeding for the instructor that i feel somewhat comfortable with the material i'm supposed to be teaching by the time i have to teach it. this time, however, there was nothing. kaplan apparently assumes that everyone who aced their MCAT 5 years ago remembers how lenses and mirrors create images. obviously, they have never met me.

so that freaked me out, and lathered me into a panic by around 8:30 am. i had wanted to get up and run before lab, but i realized that time-wise it wasn't possible, which pissed me off. i then started to worry about lab: i'm trying a new technique used to get siRNA into cells (for the layperson, i'm trying to get DNA into cells without killing them. kind of like trying to squirt water into a (slightly porous) balloon without popping it, only slightly easier.

anyway. the point is is that i'm really more than a little stressed out these days. worried about my lab performance, worried about kaplan (for gods sake), worried about my ability to balance everything (and i'm pretty sure this worry is legitimate). i'm even worried about my career choices (will i ever feel ready to be an intern? do i want to be pipetting for the rest of my life? are these the only options?)

i don't know how to resolve this except to say that i think i need to calm down. i'm getting married (yay! at least i have absolutely no worries about this particular step!). life is (generally) good. i need to figure out what i need to do to get rid of the uneasiness, because it's annoying and unnecessary. i don't have real problems. i need to keep remembering that.