Friday, December 03, 2004

not just a river in egypt

i'm so happy now that i no longer have a) the stupid paper and b) the scary presentation looming up ahead of me! this carefree feeling is not really so appropiate, however, given my current situation: i seem to have cultivated a lot of denial regarding my boards which are now only SIX AND A HALF WEEKS AWAY. which actually would be a lot of time, if it weren't for the fact that there are 2 weddings and trips to indiana, urbana-champagne, philadelphia, and miami strewn about my calendar/study schedule (which, by the way, i have to redo again, because i managed to get behind, but which i am going to stick to from now on even if it kills me).

in other news . . . i'm just ONE session away from becoming a kaplan-teacher-graduate! i now pepper even my everyday speech with "kaplan!" "test-day!" and "improve your score!". well, not really, but almost. the nice thing about teacher-training is that i really do feel much more confident about my abilities to actually lead an mcat class now. although i have decided that i will never teach an organic chemistry class. that would just be so, so wrong.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

seeing that i am apparently in denial, i wonder if the process of preparing for/taking the boards might be compared with death and dying. elizabeth kubler-ross's famous five stages, as adapted to my current situation:

1. denial - well, we've already discussed that.

2. anger - coming soon, i suppose, as in "why do i have to take this pathetic excuse for a test anyway*? like they're going to be able to tell anything about my abilities to become a doctor by my mastery of the citric acid cycle? fuck this shit!"

3. bargaining - i guess i could bargain with god, but seeing as my religious beliefs are not so steadfast i could perhaps bribe a similar looking yet better-prepared classmate to take the test for me. or not.

4. depression - definitely going to happen. probably around january 10th or so. the weather may contribute as well as study-burnout/anxiety. i just hope this phase doesn't last too long.

5. acceptance - i see this happening sometime around the final week. i'll be thinking: "you know, i'm NOT looking to get a dermatology residency at mass general, so i'm ok with the fact that my score is not going to be so stellar." and i'll be able to relax, and i won't spontaneously combust, and everything will be ok.

may these weeks go by very, very quickly.

* directly disobeying kaplan rule #2583: do not demonize the test-makers. but what if they really ARE the devil?