Tuesday, May 23, 2017

honest update


I'm still alive.

Nothing terrible has happened.

I'm just . . .miserable.  I don't remember being this miserable for this long with either of my two prior pregnancies.  Maybe I just forgot; it's possible.  

I am so, so tired.  All of the time.  Sleeping 10 hours a night, and still tired.

I have no time to do anything, because sleeping 10 hours a night does not leave any time to do anything.

I have no energy to do anything even when I do have time.

My nausea has not abated.  At all.  I still have strong food aversions and yet am prone to eating too much in one sitting, because I seem to ONLY feel good when I am actually chewing, and I don't want the relief to end.  Then I feel so sick afterwards.  And feel dumb for repeating the same mistake I've made 34083 times already.

I come home from work, and have been resorting to letting the kids watch 2 episodes of Wild Kratts before I start the bedtime routine.   I honestly feel bad all day, but at my worst at night.  My patience sucks.  I don't feel like I am the present parent that I normally am.

Taking my prenatals feels like torture, and I'm ashamed to admit I've missed more than a few doses.  Brushing my teeth is torture, and I still do it, but I gag every time.  

I am basically waking up, going to work, functioning at work (feeling fatigued and nauseated the whole time), coming home, barely making it through the bedtime routine, and passing out at 8:30 pm.  

I haven't run since Sunday and that was only a 30 minute run/walk.  The heat feels oppressive and my heart rate skyrockets even at slow paces.  I'm sure I'm out of shape.  I feel guilty about not exercising but I don't even really WANT to right now.

ANYWAY.  I recognize this is the whiniest post ever written, but I wanted to share how I am really feeling.  I also recognize that I am lucky to be pregnant at all and to have stayed pregnant thus far, and that I am also NOT nearly as sick as many in terms of actual vomiting/dehydration/hyperemesis.  I am trying to keep perspective, and most of all really really hoping that in a few weeks, things will turn around.  Especially since we have a big family trip planned (longest one we've ever taken as a family).  I'm just about 12 weeks now.  

Oh I turned 37.  So that was good.  (Josh was there too just appeared headless in this pic so I cropped him out!)


Thursday, May 11, 2017

owning my 10 week bump / shopping spree

I know that it is not cool to want maternity clothes before you exit the first tri.  Fashion bloggers humblebrag about still being in pre-preg jeans at week 30, maybe with a band.

That has not been my experience.  I was very anxious about it the first time, resigned the second time, and you know what?  This time I am OWNING IT.  So what if I am more comfortably in stretchy pants by week 10?  

It is what it is.

I am banking on that fact that I didn't really change maternity sizes in either pregnancy (i.e. I wore similar things in week 15 and week 40, particular on the bottom*).  I am also banking on nothing terrible happening**, because yeah - I'm only 10 weeks.  I went to A Pea in the Pod today (non-sponsored, though a discount would have been welcome, dear god) and bought:

- 5 cute shirts
- 1 sleeveless chambray dress
- 1 pair jean shorts that I plan to wear for the entire summer
- 1 pair black jeans (that I will wear to work with maternity tops)
- 1 pair white jeans (that I will also probably wear to work with maternity tops - I think I can get away with it as long as shoes & top are nice)
- 1 pair reg jeans 
- 1 pair black leggings

I had also ordered a couple of tees and 2 pairs of pants from the gap a few days ago (black stretchy slim pants for work + navy blue cuffed cropped chinos).  SO, I think I am set for a while.   The only other thing I want is a couple more flowy dresses.  But I think I will wait on that. 

I will say I am lucky in that FL climate means that I can wear the same stuff year-round (throw a cardigan on top, and you're set for 'winter!'), so there isn't a concern of buying cold-weather clothing later on.  I guess this was another reason I didn't feel totally insane buying an entire wardrobe already.  But I was tired of feeling uncomfortable in non-maternity gear . . . I mean, what is the point?

real bump.  No, it's not big - but it's definitely there and is making all of my normal clothes hideously uncomfortable and unflattering


I am still feeling nauseated and tired, though the nausea may be slightly less 24/7 and the 'tired' seems to be under control as long as I sleep 9-10 hrs/night***.   I miss reading, and consistent workouts, and actually spending any sort of quality time with Josh.  I am currently just kind of . . . getting through each day, doing what absolutely HAS to be done and nothing else.  But admittedly shopping today was pretty fun.  And I treated myself to frozen yogurt afterwards too.  It was a lovely half-day off.

Okay, going to sit & finish watching the Barbie movie with the kids!

* There, I guess that's my pregnancy humblebrag.  

** Though if it does, a blown clothing budget is not going to be what I am sad about, so whatever

*** Hence having essentially no life right now, but hopefully worth it

Monday, May 08, 2017

opting out

Over the past few weeks, I have made the executive decision:

- NOT to go w/ Josh on his work conference in Amelia Island last weekend (was supposed to bring the kids in a whirlwind trip but -- just no, too hectic)

- NOT to go see Real Estate in Philadelphia later this month

- NOT to go to LA for a wedding of one of my oldest childhood friends

- NOT to read the book club book (just didn't appeal to me, and book club starts at 8 pm which is way too close to my current bedtime)

- NOT to meditate (because I'm NOT in the mood to get up early)

- NOT to worry about eating 323723 carbs per day

I feel a little wistful about cancelling so many things, but I just need to kind of . . . lie low right now.  My body is telling me very loudly and clearly that I need rest, and not late-night flights and a lot of pressure to do much of anything.  Between A, C, work, and the occasional run there's not much energy left and I'm just going to have to be okay with that.  And in truth, I am.  Everything feels more transient this time around.  I know that I will eventually be back to 'me', and it's nice to have that bit of perspective.  There will be weekend jaunts and interval workouts someday in the future waiting for me when it's time.

ALSO, despite all of this NOT doing -- there has been enough.  I spent the weekend at home with A&C (Josh was away all day Saturday), which was busy enough!  We had obscenely nice weather (like zero clouds!  not typical for MIA in May).  The highlight was definitely A's ballet recital.  She takes classes Children's Division (non-selective division for young kids) at the Miami City Ballet -- such a cool resource that we have nearby.  It's serious stuff - they have a very specific uniform including mandatory hair ornament that they have to wear each and every week, and the teachers are kind but definitely ballet-strict.  So far A seems to like it - we'll see how long she sticks with it!

I owe you all an update on my Day Off.  This is because I don't feel that I have really . . .figured it out yet.  Despite all of the thinking I did about how to use that time (and the great advice many of you had for me), thus far it has mostly been about:

- getting kids to appointments
- getting myself to appointments
- very little else

I'm hoping this is just because I had quite a backlog of Things I Wanted to Be Off For, But Never Was (kids' dr appointments, dentist appts, eye dr appt, OBGYN appt, parent conferences).  This week I totally screwed up my day off by splitting it in two, but I'm going to try to make the most of it!

Weekend pix:

Ducklings in Annabel's class!  Another thing I opted out of:  taking them home for the weekend.  

Science kit - we made "soft watery crystals".  A hit with both kids.

She learned to hang on by her legs and jump down onto her hands!  I was proud.

Getting ready

Walking off stage

Proud family

And I even made muffins.  So maybe things are looking up!